Growing up I spent quite a lot of time being told I was too white, I spoke white, acted white etc. Looking back I remember it really hurting my feelings because I knew(and know) that I was black but obviously something about me wasn't ticking the right boxes according to the other black girls in my school. Going to an all girls school this made things even harder for me to feel like I fit in. I liked different music and didn't enjoy some of the things they did, their banter didn't always make sense to me, and this came across as "being white". Majority of the black girls in my school were loud, and whilst I have always been very opinionated, it actually took me a long time to be able to voice my thoughts without fear. When I would have to do public speaking I would literally start shaking and crying. It wasn't pretty.
I'm Nigerian, fully Nigerian. There isn't really too much diversity in me to my knowledge. So obviously being told most of my life that I wasn't really black got to me. As I've got older I now understand that when people would say that, it wasn't necessarily in a negative context. Me being well spoken constituted to me "acting white", not using slang (though it's definitely a habit I've developed in the past few years) meant the same. My love of greek and roman mythology when I was a lot younger definitely singled me out. I didn't know many other year 8's who found Cerberus and the River Styx interesting. None of these things are really negative, in fact they built me up to be who I am.
Another thing I noticed growing up is, the area I grew up was predominantly white, despite obviously having a mix of people in my classes, the black people in my secondary school loved playing on the fact that when they were younger they lived in London, always mentioning Hackney, Croydon, Bethnal Green etc playing on it even though majority hadn't lived there since they were 5 but insisting it gave them some type of street cred. Whatever makes you feel better about yourself I guess...
This is a bit of a ranty post but it's something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. The fact that not being mouthy, or being well spoken somehow makes you less black than your counterpart who insists on repping their "ends" whenever they get the chance. I respect that but you can't make out someone is less than they are. I'm just as black as the next person and I can enjoy things like mythology and Doctor Who (not so much this recently but the Matt Smith and back. That was my shit.) and still be into rap music, black culture and use slang.
Personally I think when you shut yourself off to other things just because you feel it doesn't identify with your culture/background, you're automatically cutting yourself off from other opportunities that otherwise would probably be amazing for you. Don't get me wrong. Some may be pointless. Like me doing Morris dancing in year 5. Don't ask me why. I don't know. It wasn't a good look. But I digress.
It's all about development people.
Anyway, I wish all of you a good weekend, and a great rest of the week.
Ren.
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