Toxic Relationships

I have been putting off this post for a little while, mainly because I'm lazy and subjects like this I tend to need time to really get my thoughts in order, otherwise it would just be a long post of incoherence, which is not really what I'm trying for.

Basically I want to talk about toxic relationships. Not necessarily just romantic relationships, though those are something I will talk about, but friendships, work and education environments as well. I think I can say I've had my fair share of these types of negative relationships and when I've spoken to a few friends regarding the matter they agree.

I think the one to talk about first is toxic romantic relationships, just because these are the ones most people will assume can be problematic. I know I've definietly been in some questionable situations where the result was truly bad for me but usually when you're in a toxic situation you won't see just how bad it was until you're out of it.
Example: Being with someone and them cheating on you but you still somehow thinking you are the problem.

This happens to so many people, a habit of a toxic person is to never see their own fault and often times instead of admitting their errors, project onto you so you feel that you may be the reason they did what they did.
"You're too clingy" - that's why they cheated
"My girlfriend/boyfriend takes things too seriously" - why they cheated
"We were on a break so I technically never cheated" - in their eyes it's not cheating, but then why are you so scared of your significant other finding out?

1. There's a difference between being clingy and caring, people have different gauges for both of these things so someone else's clingy may be someone else's norm. I have had people who are so blase to my feelings that I'd rather have someone who puts a lot of effort into me. It makes you feel more cared after, unless the clingy borders on controlling I see no problem with it.

2. Okay, the fact they are your partner would suggest an air of seriousness to your relationship anyway? You're not talking or seeing each other. As far as we are aware you are a serious thing, an item and therefore certain things tend to come with it. I understand talking about marriage when you're a month in. That would freak me the fuck out. But if this is an issue doesn't it make more sense to address these issues with your partner, before jumping into bed with someone else? Just a thought.

3. Oh Lord. This frustrates me so much. There are multiple people that I could put on blast but I won't. I don't really know my stance on the whole "going on a break thing". I know people say it's an excuse to cheat. But I feel if the relationship has gone through something traumatic but the feelings are still there, it may make sense to have some time away from each other. I do definietly think rules should be set. This includes whether or not people decided to engage in other people.
If people start claiming to you or anyone that their shenanigans with anyone other than their partner are okay because they were on a break, they probably feel they're in the wrong and are justifying their actions to not only you but themselves. (and if they get back together and suddenly they're trying to make sure it's underwraps that they did whatever...they cheated and now they're scared.) Stay away from people like this.


Toxic Work Environments

Working can be confusing because you're there to get paid so really a passing comment shouldn't really get to you. But it can. I worked in a restaurant over the summer that was horrible. Literally horrible. The general manager seemed nice at first before we opened but as we got closer to the date his true colours started showing, he was passive aggressive and had no problem upsetting his employees (he made me cry twice and I saw him make other women cry multiple times)
The resturant was new and he had previously said he understood if people made mistakes, however after opening we saw him fire people left, right and centre. Leaving us scared for jobs. I was on bar but he put me as a busser on many occasions, which upset me. He then took me aside and basically told me if I didn't start smiling I was fired. He was aware of why I was upset (being bar trained and yet being made to run food, which I found offensive.) He just didn't care. He did it to multiple bar staff but for me I did take it personally. Instead of admitting the resturant had a few problems he put the blame on the staff constantly saying it's our fault that there were problems, when only a month before he had rambled on about being a family and we were all there to help each other.
I've worked in quite a few places and I've never seen a general manager like this. Perhaps that's why I hated it so much and quit. Normally I see managers get involved if work gets busy, or pull people aside if things aren't perhaps going right. He fired his assistant manager after he tried to tell him he felt he wasn't really doing his job right. He was really petty for a grown man.
If you're working under someone like this really think if you need it, working in an enviornement like that long term can really knock a person's self confidence and when you evenetually do leave you don't want to be carrying the negativity from your last place of work to your new one.

Toxic Friendships

Girl...I've had a lot of these. Frienemies are a real thing. If someone's your friend they should want the best for you regardless of what's going on in their lives. They should also be there for you, reminding you of how great you are and on your fleeky days telling you that you're slaying their lives, snatching their edges, all of that. So when you have a friend that seems negative whenever something goes good for you, cut those ties. You can tell who those friends are but most of the time dismiss it as their personality or whatever else. If something good happens to you and all of your friends are happy for you and there's one friend who says either nothing or throws a shady passive-aggressive comment your way. If you're feeling yourself and you're making it known and one girl is going on about "I don't know why you feel yourself this much."
These are negative and if it happens regularly it could have you start doubting yourself, which you don't want. Real friends should be super supportive.
For the record, the reason we feel ourselves so much, is because we love ourselves. If I don't remind myself I'm the shit on a daily basis, who will? Obviously not you.

Having a Good Support System

Having a good support system is key to battling any toxicity in your life. It can take a while to develop but once you realise who/what is good for you and benefits your life it becomes a lot easier to weed out those who aren't so good. I.e. I know my friends from home are positive impacts on my life. If I'm stressed and upset I am likely to Facetime my best friend Fiona. Not to say I don't have solid people to talk to when I'm at uni, as I spend the majority of my time here it's good to know I have people I can talk to here as well, Ismayil is the primary person I would speak to, as despite not knowing him for as long as Fiona, he shares the same passion in regards to not selling myself short, which is something I appreciate. Melissa is someone else I would consider my best friend(you can have more than one especially when you have one from uni, one from home, okay) we got very close in a short amount of time and she's someone who I can talk to, but also makes me laugh, which is essential when needing a good support system. You can't be serious all the time.

Cutting Toxic People Out

This is definietly easier said than done. I spent two years dealing with the same negative situation and I knew it wasn't good for me, but a mix of stupidity and trying to see the best in people meant that I dealt with it. However dealing with it for as long as I did means that I now know a lot more about seeing the difference between someone that cares for you and someone that only wants to make their own situation better (by having you despite not realising/not caring that they are bad for you) and someone genuinely caring about your well being. I also am very aware of my own self worth, I spent a very long time just dealing with shitty situations but now I am much more likely to see myself in a situation I don't like and leave it immediately. Whether it be romantic, friend or work related. If I don't like something and it can't be changed after being addressed. I leave. I have no regrets in regards to any of the toxic people that I've left behind. I don't remember any "good times" I may have had with them, if any. The way toxic people can make you feel will never be outweighed with any positive emotions they could have made you feel in the past in my opinion. This relates more to romantic relationships and friendships. Once you realise these people aren't good news. You'll feel a lot better.

I hope this blog post made sense. I also hope it helps someone, even if it's only a little bit.

Ren x